matters of the heart~

  Wow, I haven't written in about 2 months,, oops! I've been slacking on a lot more than blogging, sad to say. Life is very hectic right now, but I couldn't ask for more. I have the most wonderful people in my life, but often take them for granted. I forget to say how grateful I am, because I assume they know. But it's nice to hear every now and again, believe me. I've been a very selfish person lately, and for that I am so sorry. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt, ignored, took for granted, neglected, etc.. I want you all to know how much I love you. And know that my life wouldn't be worth living if it weren't for you~
  I just had the most humbling experience of my short life. Ashley and I had a much needed deep, honest, emotional conversation. She told me her deepest insecurities, and I found that to be so courageous. Not many people are willing to admit they have flaws, let alone express them to another person; I feel honored. She described me as this selfless, beautiful person. I never realized how she perceived me becuse this is far from how I see myself. I think I'm one of the most selfish people on this planet~ However, this proved to be an eye-opening experience. I expressed my disagreement, yet her answer didn't change. She really does love me and think I'm a beautiful person, and that is just a wonderful thing to hear. I then told her how much I love and admire her, and how I don't deserve her in the slightest. I also shared my biggest fear with her.. She agreed, but assured me she would never leave me. And goodness did that just melt my heart.
  I just feel so so so blessed right now, and don't understand how. How did I end up with such a good life, with so many people that truly love me, even through all of my selfishness? I feel very different right now..a little relieved, but also guilty for the way I've been acting. I can't change the past, but I can change my way of thinking and living from this point on. I can't stop saying how grateful, and sorry, I am. Thank you, God for granting me such a beautiful life that I don't deserve. And thank you my family and closest friends for not giving up on me, even when you probably should have. I love you all, so much. God bless~
~peace.love.mak~

♪kissing your cares goodbye♫

I've been meaning to write for a few days, but I keep forgetting. Oops! I just wanted to write about how wonderful life is (: School is going so fast, and I'm actually doing really well. yay! Spring quarter is coming up, and I have no idea what I'm taking.. thankfully I have a couple weeks to figure it out.
The gloomy weather has really been draggin me down; I feel like doing nothing all day every day. I spent most of Tuesday in bed because I just didn't want to move. Ha! It was Valentine's day, too~ Which was awesome, might I add. I have the best boyfriend in the world ♥


This is Benny, and the boquet of roses I got (:

Today is 9 months that we've been together, and that's just crazy. I can't believe we've spent 3/4 of a year together, haha!
My dad and brother are coming over in a couple days and I can't wait (:
Oh! I remember what sparked my blog, haha finally~ I went to church on Sunday with Oleg and it was wonderful! I miss church soooo much /: Hopefully I'll be able to go with him more often. Hmm that's all I have for now. [: God is good ♥
~peace.love.mak~

don't let me go ♥

Today was great~ I feel like a lot was accomplished in the short hours of today.. I aced a math quiz, piece of cake! I took a walk with some of my favorite people♥ I spent a couple hours laughing and just being with my mom and brother, which doesn't happen too often.. I'm really in love with life right now~ I feel like I've been struck by lightning, haha I watched the end of this documentary titled 'love, etc.' and that just brightened my day even more! it followed 4 or 5 couples through the ups and downs of their relationships..there was one couple who just celebrated 49 years together--wow! that reminded me of my grandma & grandpa, who just had their 53rd anniversary in December ♥ it's sooo inspiring and touching~ made me wonder if that will happen with any couples these days.. I know one couple who will be together eternally because they are just so incredibly in love,,but that's it..one out of how many? at the same time, that makes me hopeful; I wanna be bigger than everyone else..I'd love so much to be the exception to the rules of modern society. Not only do I wish to spend forever with someone, but I wanna do so happily..

I miss summer ☼

snowed in~

uhhhh.. ?

genuine friendship (:

we need more pictures~

I jus love you ♥

sweet dreams, everyone
~peace.love.mak~

♪I only wanna be with you♫

I don't even know what to say.. I'm feeling a lot of things right now, and they all came out of the blue. I'm falling asleep, but found this so important I had to share it. I'm not sure what happened, I think it was a series of events throughout the day, that made me really feel.. It probably doesn't make sense, but I'm really feeling people right now.. Maybe this is throwing me off cuz I don't usually have revelations unless they're about me.. This one is different. I'm aware of people's feelings now; I feel sympathy, compassion, and love,, so much love! It seems random, and I sound like I'm totally rambling.. But honestly, I was just sitting here, thinking about my day, and had to stop everything. I became completely consumed with my thoughts about those close to me.. holy cow guys, I love you! You all put up with so much, including crap from me..yet I never recognized it because I've been caught up in me..what the heck?! You all have your own problems, and most of you put on a front..but you shouldn't have to fake a smile to me..I haven't been showing my care or concern for anyone but myself,, so I'm sorry ): I promise to be here for you all, to understand, love, cherish, and just support you. Today was wonderful in many ways.. and I'm thankful for every day I get to live. Thank you God for my life and family. I pray for health & happiness ♥
~peace.love.mak~

I'm alive~

I'm at a loss for words, yet I have so much to say. This morning is an awakening one~ I opened my window to enjoy the sound of rain falling, and was mesmerized. I couldn't move; I had to sit and just listen.. I got lost in the smell of fresh air and the sweet sound of raindrops dancing on the ground.. It woke me up, made me feel alive. I reconnected with nature, which in turn allowed my spirit to reappear. My spirit yearns to love and be loved, but that's been masked by my bitter thoughts and hurtful words. No longer will I treat people poorly because I'm experiencing a 'bad day;' it's not fair to them. I am so truly blessed to have people stand by me even when I don't deserve them. I promise to treat EVERYONE better, including myself. I'm in love with today~ I love my family and I thank God for all of them <3 I pray for happiness and love <3 And I just want to apologize again to those who have been getting the worst of me. I love you all~

~peace.love.mak~

you look like gold to me~

   Here I am, writing my once a month entry (; I know I always say I'll be a better blogger, read more, I'll eat better, start working out, etc. but it never seems to last. That's because I have no sense of commitment whatsoever |: But that's all going to change. This is the prime of my life, the best time to make necessary changes.. I want things to be different..
   Ashley and I had a good conversation yesterday. We talked about how our lives are what we make them, and although we can't control everything, we're not doing anything to change what we can control. One thing for me is how I treat my body. The poor thing is so neglected! Today is day 2 of a 3 day cleanse that Ashley and I are doing together,, it sucks! But we're trying to rid our bodies of everything that isn't pure. I think it's a great experience for the soul and mind alike~
   Something I can't control (and it kills me) is how much I don't see people. I try to spend all my free time with family [and my boyfriend] but the latter doesn't happen too often. I've been trying really hard to focus more on myself than on our relationship, because I feel like maybe I care too much.
   School is going great so far. I need to keep up with my work, and this quarter will be a breeze! It really is hard to balance school, work, family, a relationship, and working on myself. Welcome to adulthood, eh? ha!
 *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.* <3

~peace.love.mak~