See me through another day

Hey y'all! 

   I know I haven't posted anything in awhile, but that's because I haven't had much to say. I've been in a weird place, and have preferred to remain fairly reclusive. So, for starters, I want to apologize to those of you I haven't been talking to or seeing much of. I know over the last 6 months, I've become a completely different person; I've ignored almost every relationship I have. And for that, I'm sorry.

   I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like people just don't understand. Well, the truth is, they aren't going to understand! I grew selfish and resentful, thinking there was no point in maintaining relationships with people who couldn't even fathom what I've been through.

   Then it hit me one day, not too long ago: although those people (all of you) have no idea what I have experienced, you all care for me and want to be there for us. I still find it difficult to associate with people, and engage in normal conversation, but I'm trying. I realized that bottling everything up and pretending I'm okay has gotten me nowhere. I also concluded that I need to interact with other people to get my mind off of me.

   I think about Abigail and Joshua every second of every day, and I don't think that will ever change; nor do I want it to. So I need to talk about them, with people other than myself. I need to know that others remember them, and that they still care. It's far more comforting that pretending she never existed.

   On a happier note, we finally moved into our new place! It's so amazing and wonderful; God has been so good to us. Sometimes I take our lives for granted, surprisingly enough. I forget how truly blessed we are with our health, our jobs, each other, etc.

   Speaking of health, I decided I'm okay with my body. I know it's not perfect, and I've struggled with loving it for a very long time, but I'm getting past that. I've spent way too much time hating my body to even realize what it's done for me: it carried and delivered 2 beautiful babies in under a year; it survived when I felt that I couldn't after losing those babies just over a year apart; it treated me well when I took my health for granted; and it continues to keep me going when I can barely get out of bed some days. My body is amazing. I'm working on eating better and working out, but for now, I'm loving myself.

   It's been almost 7 months since we lost Abigail, and our lives are finally coming together. Surviving the loss of a child is excruciating, but we're doing it. Slowly, and with the help of God. I'm happy to say we're okay, and some day I hope to be good. For now, I pray for peace of mind and serenity within my heart.

~peace.love.mak~

♪all your thoughts, let them fall♫

   I know I haven't blogged in over a month, but that's because I haven't known what to say. The last post was about a month after Abigail passed, and I was still in a daze. I was going through the motions of everyday life, without actually living; I felt very few emotions, especially positive ones.

   Today, I am in still in a similar place. I feel lost and confused most of the time. Sometimes, I get mad. That usually evolves into feelings of despair and helplessness. I'm trying to pick up all of my broken pieces and mend them back together, because quite frankly, I don't like feeling this way anymore than people like seeing me like this. I'm pretty good at pretending I'm fine, and that's mostly because I hate having to explain myself to others.

   I've spent a majority of my free time at Seattle Children's over the past couple months, and that has been both hurtful and healing. It's been wonderful getting to know Cassie and Preston in a way that almost no one will know them, and vice-versa. She's the only person in my life who can somewhat understand how I'm feeling. It's an amazing thing, having a friend like that. Our kiddos are what brought us together, but they're not all we have in common.

   Every time I walk through those doors, I have a mini panic attack. I remember all the traumatic events we endured there; but most often, I remember getting to know my baby girl within those four walls. I wish I had known her more at home, but she spent 7/8 of her life at SCH. The hospital brings an odd sense of comfort because it was our home as a family.

   Being in our apartment is hollowing for me. I can't stand to be home, especially alone. I start remembering having Abigail home, and then all the events that led up to her lifeless body being carried out by a fireman, with me close behind. My heart starts pounding and my eyes swell with tears. I don't know how to rid my mind of the traumatic memories. She brought so much joy and love to my life, yet all I seem to remember is the end of her short life.

   I feel as if most people have moved on or at least moved forward, but not me. I know that grieving the loss of a child is a long process full of ups and downs; believe me, it's all of that. I guess I'm writing this because I want to share the pain and suffering a mother endures when she loses a child. It has completely turned my world upside down, and shaken every part of my being all over the ground.

   It's hard for me to be around anyone except Oleg. I've become a total recluse and could care less about talking to or seeing friends and family. Many of my friends had babies around the same time as us, so of course they're proud parents and share tons of pictures and videos of their little cuties. I can barely stand to look at such things, and that totally breaks my heart. I love babies more than almost anything, and I can't smile at my friends' happiness because of my own heartache. I know I'm probably babbling, and I apologize.

   I pray every day for comfort and healing. Today I pray harder for guidance and peace. I know that my babies are safe and happy in the arms of Jesus, and that is a huge relief. But having human emotions doesn't go away. The pain may become less strong, but from what I've been told, it never goes away. Thank you all who have supported and loved me through this, and I ask that you don't give up on me even though I haven't been the best friend, sister, daughter, etc.

Lost souls

   Yesterday marked 4 weeks since we lost our Abigail. Not a minute passes that I'm not thinking about her. I aspire to change the world in her honor, because I believe she was put on this earth to make a difference. I can't figure out where to start, though.

   I'm struggling with many things, actually. It's hard for me to find happiness outside of superficial, temporary moments of joy. I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. I seem to have lost almost all motivation for anything; I stay in bed all day while Oleg works. I've shut the world out and secluded myself into a small bubble. I'm working on popping that bubble and trying to allow people in; especially Oleg. This is a confusing time, but we really need each other more than anyone or anything.

   I start work again Monday and I have mixed feelings about that. I think it will be a good distraction, but at the same time I want a fresh start. I want to go somewhere new, where no one knows my story. I negatively anticipate the sad eyes, the sorrow. I feel enough in my heart, I don't need to see it in everyone's eyes. I know people just care, but it's hard to deal with their reactions or special treatment.

   I guess I'm writing this because it's good to let your feelings out, but also because people stopped asking me how I am. I know we get busy and life goes on, so this is a quicker way for everyone to find out.

   We met an amazing family at SCH, and I just want to acknowledge and pray for them. Preston is finally recovering after a number of traumas when he returned for his second open heart surgery. His momma, Cassie, is one of the strongest women I've ever met. They're just such a beautiful, strong family. Having a baby with Congenital Heart Disease is one of the scariest, most unpredictable things in life; and although he's recovering now, he has been through a lot. His recovery will be long and tough, but he is so incredibly strong! Okay, Cassie I'll stop bragging about your baby (;

   Because of these babies, I've decided to become a nurse. I already signed up for school and financial aid, so now I just have to wait for registration. I think I might even be a cardiac nurse. The nurses we met in the CICU changed our lives, and we grew to love them like family.

   When Abigail passed away, the ER staff asked if we wanted them to contact anyone; we said Kevin and Kelly. Luckily, Kevin was on duty that night and he rushed down to be with us. Although he was only Abigail's nurse a few times, he always asked how she was. Kelly was the same way. We spent quite a bit of time with her, and she really was/is family to us; she even attended the service.

   Anyway, I think I've babbled enough for one day. I hope today is good one!

Today I pray for strength and peace~

Dear Abby

My dearest Abigail,
   I have no words, yet at the same time I have so many. I want to start by saying just how much daddy and I love you. I didn't know love existed in that degree until I met you. The moment I heard your first cry, I bursted into tears of my own. Not because I was sad, but because you were finally here. I already loved you beyond words.
   When they took you to the nicu I wasn't scared because I knew you were okay, and that we would be reunited shortly. Once we got to Children's hospital, and they told us that you do in fact need surgery immediately, I was terrified; my heart sunk for you. A week later was your surgery date, and that was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. We walked you to the operating room, but I could barely see through the river of tears pouring from my eyes.
   When your surgery took twice as long as expected, we were so worried. But you proved all the doctors wrong, and came out without life support. It was then that you became my hero. A week later when the surgeon attempted to close your chest, I thought nothing could possibly go wrong; he assured me it was a routine procedure and rarely does anything happen. I got a phone call saying you were being put on ECMO (aka life support). I felt my stomach twist into a million pretzels. I had met another mom who told me her terrifying account of ECMO, and that was the last thing I wanted for you.
   Once again, you proved everyone wrong and ECMO was turned off after just 2 days. You began moving forward in recovery for the second time. That week was spent getting rid of all your extra fluids (which was pushed too quickly, and you ended up needing fluids again in addition to a blood transfusion).
  The following Monday was chest closure attempt #2. It didn't take long, and when the surgeon came and told me all was well, I just praised God. I came back to see you and was ecstatic that you longer had an open chest. Then your numbers started creeping down. Your nurse called the doctor just to make him aware, and when he came in he told us he thought your B/T shunt had clotted. (This means your body was no longer receiving bloodflow). Within minutes, there were probably 15 people in your room; it was amazing. Everyone remained so calm and focused. They cared about nothing more in that moment that saving you, and that they did. After many doses of heparin (a strong blood thinner) and epi (to jump start your heart), you stabilized enough to be put on ECMO again. You were then taken to the Cath lab and a stent was placed in your shunt to keep it open.
   ECMO was turned off the next morning. You beat the odds again, baby girl. A week later we began teaching you how to eat. At first you were confused, but then you picked it up so quickly! Not long after that we left the icu and graduated to "the floor". I was so proud of you. I couldn't believe all you had survived at only a month old; you were truly a miracle. Once out of the icu, you got sick again. You were being weaned from morphine and the formula you were on upset your tummy to a degree I don't understand. All I knew was my baby hurt and I didn't know how to fix it.
  Over the next 2 weeks, you got well again. Well enough to go home! I had never been happier, we finally got to bring our baby home! The first night was rough, because I felt overwhelmed by all that went into caring for you. But after a late night snuggle and a big toothless grin, I calmed down and realized I can do this. God wouldn't have given you to us if we couldn't handle it. So then I was more than happy to get up every hour or 2 because you were crying, needed meds, needed a diaper change, or whatever it may be.
  Just a few days later, you were throwing up so much that your cardiologist suggested we go back to the hospital. There, we spent 3 more nights before returning home. They never really figured out what was wrong, but you quit throwing up as much. Once home, I felt like the happiest person alive. This felt more victorious than coming home the first time. Oh those last few days were amazing. I finally got a routine down, and I was getting a good grip on caring for you. Not to mention all the uninterrupted cuddles and ear-to-ear grins. I fell more in love with you every day. I couldn't believe how miraculous you were, and how you were all ours! We felt so proud to be your parents.
   Friday morning was the worst day of our lives (right next to losing Joshua). I woke up because you were fussing, so I picked you up to comfort you. In my arms, you stopped crying. I noticed your eyes seemed to be fixated on something, so I tried to break that focus and get your attention. It didn't work. So I laid you down, hoping I could change you and cuddle you to sleep. Then you were breathing funny; it just didn't seem right. I unzipped your sleeper to look for signs of respiratory distress, and sure enough I saw your ribs retracting. I woke daddy up, and by the time he came to you, you weren't breathing anymore. Daddy responded so quickly. He immediately began CPR and I called 911.
   The paramedics showed up fairly quickly. Unfortunately, they aren't trained to handle unique cardiac cases like you. They treated you like a "normal" baby, and thought CPR would help. We tried to tell them you need to get to the hospital immediately, but I think they just didn't understand the magnitude of the situation. You were gone before we even left our room, but they kept trying. All the way to Children's. Once we got there, they intubated you and continued CPR. It had been over 2 hours since you last took a breath of your own and your heart beat without assistance. I knew it was over. I knew before we got to the hospital that we had already lost you. The confirmation from the doctor made it real though.
   I was, and still am, mad that your heart disease won in the end. We were so sure that you were meant to be a fighter. You beat so many odds and survived when you (medically speaking) shouldn't have. I thought in 20 years you would be able to tell people that you're alive by the grace of God, and that you beat this nasty disease. instead, you're another sad statistic in the medical world. But you were so wonderful that God wanted you back. I have to remind myself every time I'm mad that you truly are in a better place.
   I think of your life and I just see so much suffering. You endured more than any human I know, and you were only 2 months old. But you knew no different, and despite all that you went through, you were a happy baby. You only cried if your tummy hurt, or you just wanted a snuggle. You always smiled, and just before you left us, you were beginning the efforts of giggling. I am so impressed with your strength and power to overcome all of this. In the end, you didn't make it, but you will always be my hero.
   I try to remember you happy and alive, but the last time I saw you, you were cold and lifeless. I can't unsee that, and it haunts me. I look at pictures to bring my memory back because I want to remember you smiling, not sleeping with angels. You brought so much joy to not only our lives, but the lives of those around us. You had so many people praying for you little girl. People who had never met you, and many that had never met us. It's amazing how people come together for each other in times of desperation and despair.
   I will never love anyone the way I love you. And I can never admire anymore more than I admire your strength and beauty. You taught me what love is, and what life means. You showed us what's truly important and for that I am so thankful. I love you beyond any words in my vocabulary, and I think you know that. You always knew how loved you were, and still are.
  I hope you're happy with your big brother and gramma Dorie.  I miss you so much. Now I have to figure out how to go back to living without you.. I'm not sure I can comprehend that, but I guess it will come with time. Watch over us baby girl, and know that you are so loved. Rest in peace, Abigail Rose. I love you

   Love, mommy

Finally home~

  I am so so so happy we're finally home! After we left, we were home for 3 nights before having to go back /: Abigail had been throwing up just way too much and losing weight. They couldn't really come up with any answers but we spent 4 days there before being discharged (again).

  Abigail is doing pretty good. She's on and off with her weight; some days she gains and some days she loses. This could partially be my fault. Some times I give her straight breastmilk instead of the fortified stuff. (Docs say cardiac babies need extra calories, and breastmilk just isn't enough). But her tummy seems happier without the formula, so I've started giving her 2 feeds with formula, 1 without. We'll see if that's enough for her to gain (;

  She still has her feeding tube, which is a blessing and a curse. It's nice because we can give her yucky meds without her having to taste them, but also extremely inconvenient. We have to make sure it's in the right place, hope she doesn't rip it out, try not to catch it on anything. We also have to carry the feeding pump and bag around with us, making sure it's fully charged at all times. Plus, it keeps her esophagus constantly open, so her reflux is amplified.

  I must admit, it's somewhat frustrating having to teach my 2 month old how to eat. For babies, eating is so primitive; buit not when you don't allow them to try until they're 6 weeks old. She's a rock star, though, getting the hang of it pretty well. I'm only allowed to let her eat for 5-10 minutes at a time, so she doesn't wear herself out. It feels like we took a huge step backwards because we stopped working on oral feeds when we went back to the hospital, so now we're back at square one.

   Enough of the complaints, though. We're so blessed to have such a beautiful little girl. She's a great baby, and brings immense joy to our lives. It's a miracle that she's alive, and home with us! We love taking her places and showing her off. I just love her, and thank God for her every day<3

  I've started going back to the gym, and it feels great. Shelby wants me to run a 5k with her in May, and I think I will. I've already lost all my pregnancy weight plus 2 pounds. It's amazing because I had been eating so poorly in the hospital. I think being home I burn a million times more calories, though. It's pretty awesome being a mommy (:

  I better go be productive while I have the opportunity!

Baby baby baby~

  Holy cow, I cannot believe how much has happened since I wrote last. Where have the past 2 months gone?!

  Our beautiful baby girl is finally here! She was born January 27th at 12:41 pm, and weighed only 6lbs 5oz. Giving birth to here was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced, it still seems unreal~ she was born kicking and screaming, and oh so beautiful!!

  Turns out she did need surgery right away, which terrified us. She went in to open heart surgery at only 7 days old, you can imagine how much of a basket case I was! Her journey has been long and full of complications, but she has come SO far!! We couldn't be more proud of her. I am so thankful the hardest things are behind us and now we're just moving forward.

  Oleg is amazing, and I am so lucky to have him. He works long hours and drives 40 miles here and back every day just to see us. He does everything to make me happy, and I couldn't be more lucky~

  We can't decide if I'm going back to work or not yet. Oleg really doesn't want me to, but I miss it! Plus a little supplemental income can't hurt (;

  The doctors are saying we'll most likely be heading home the middle of next week, HALLELUJAH!!! I'm thankful for the wonderful hospital staff, but I am more than ready to go home. We'll be back here a lot for appointments, and her next surgery is just a couple months away, but at least we get to be home in between. Talking to other moms here makes me realize how blessed we really are~

  I think that's all I have to share today (: life is a truly beautiful thing, and God is so good to us<3

Today, I pray for healing, strength, encouragement, and serenity~

2014, already?!

  I cannot believe 2013 is gone already; it seemed to have vanished into thin air. A lot happened in those short 12 months, and I'm thankful for all of my experiences. 

   I can't believe how far Oleg and I have come in the last year. We moved in together, found out we were pregnant, lost our baby boy, got engaged, became pregnant again, moved in with Shelby and Addy, GOT MARRIED, and so much more! 

   I think about Joshua every day, but the holidays made me miss him more than ever. We were supposed to have a 5 1/2 month old baby boy, but we didn't. I know God took him from us for a reason, and I can't be angry about that. All I can do is love our future children just as much as I love him.

   Speaking of children, Abigail is going to be here SO soon! I'll be full term in just 

3 1/2 weeks; that is truly unbelievable. I'm ready to finally meet her, and am so excited to finally have her here! Although I'm really nervous for the first few days of her life. There are a lot of grey areas that won't become clear until she's born, like whether she'll need surgery right away or not. I'm leaving it all in God's hands and

trying not to worry, though.

  It's so cute how excited Addy is to meet baby Abigail. She talks about her all the time (: She says how she can't wait to have a baby sister, and reminds us of everything she's going to teach Abigail. I can hardly wait to see them interact <3

  Oleg and I decided we really wanted to be married already, so that's what we did (: The manager at my bank told me she was a marriage officiant and would marry us for a great price. We're still planning to  have a wedding in the summer, though. I've come to find out planning a wedding is difficult! There are so many details, I just don't know where to start. Summer isn't too far away, so I know I need to get on the ball and start planning now. We'll see how well that goes with a brand new baby (;

   I don't tend to make New Year's resolutions, but in 2014 I want to draw closer to God. Oleg and I quit going to church and it really impacted our lives negatively. We need God in our lives, especially with everything we'll be going through with Abigail. I want us to start going to church regularly, and reading our bibles together instead of watching so many movies, and I think it's good for Abby to hear Scripture too. 

   We decided that instead of playing a white noise maker, we're going to play classical music and sounds of nature to soothe Abigail to sleep. That will be nice for me too, since I find nature so calming. We only have a couple more things to get before we're totally ready for her arrival. (is anyone every "totally ready" for their baby to arrive??) 

   I don't think I've forgotten anything (; I'll write again in a week or so with more updates! 

~Tonight I pray for health, peace of mind, and compassion~