Days like this

I cannot believe my big boy is almost 2 months old, yet some days I find myself saying "it hasn't even been 2 months yet?!"
It feels like he's been with us forever <3

Watching him grow and learn is like a miracle unfolding before my eyes.
He truly is our rainbow after a long, hard storm and I am SO thankful for him!

With each passing day, I miss my babies more and more. Oh how I wish they could both be here. Our house would be full and our family complete <3 Harrison is one of the best things to ever happen to me, but there will always be a huge void in my heart for the babies I don't get to see grow up.

Seeing his personality unfold makes me wonder what Joshua would've been like. Would he be sweet but spunky like Abigail, or just a big cuddly sweetheart like Harrison?

Looking into his eyes, which are more and more like Abigail's every day, makes me wish I could hold her just one more time. I see pictures of friends/family who had babies around the same time as us, and I imagine our kiddos that big. It's hard.

Anyone who has never experienced the loss of a child can't even fathom the magnitude of pain and grief we parents feel. But I'm grateful for friends and family who have stuck by my side even when they don't understand. <3

Today I am grateful for my sweet little guy sleeping in my arms, and pray for peace within my heart.

Where do we begin?

I know it's been about 4 months since I blogged, but that's  mostly because  I haven't had much to say.

My entire pregnancy, I was detached. I didn't really get excited for another baby, because what if I didn't get to keep him? I know it was a defense mechanism, but I couldn't help feeling the way I did. I didn't want another baby--I wanted Abigail back.

I was worried I wouldn't be able to love Harrison as much as I loved Abigail, or that he wouldn't be as attached to me as she was.

But then something amazing happened: he was born. I didn't have the flood of overwhelming joy that I experienced with Abigail, since she was my first live birth after losing Joshua. But I did love him instantly, and it felt as if we belonged together.

I felt terrible for all the times I said I didn't want a baby, but knew he'd never feel unwanted.

He's only been here just over a week, but I'm so thankful  for him. He's the most mild-mannered, easy-going baby I've ever met. And he's all mine!

It's been amazing to see Oleg step up as a dad and husband,  and there is no way I could do this without him.

It's amazing how life works. I'll never understand why families have to suffer pregnancy and infant loss, but I'm beyond grateful for my 3rd chance.

I could not have asked for a better baby or a better family. I certainly count my blessings.

Today I pray for all the moms and dads suffering from the loss of their child or children.  I pray for peace in their hearts, and miracles in their lives.

~mak

~Grace Like Rain~

This year is going by so fast! A lot of new adventures have begun in just a few months. For starters, we made it to Abigail's first birthday and the first anniversary of her death. We remembered Joshua's passing 2 years ago, too. 

It's funny when people question my faith after "something like this." I've been asked how my faith is untouched by the turn of events over the last 2 years. I just laugh. Where would I be if I had quit believing in God? Probably locked up somewhere. There was a time I wanted to be admitted to a hospital; I feared a mental breakdown. I wanted to give up on my marriage and quit living the lie that I was okay. Thankfully, God knew better. He gently picked me up and carried me, like a father carries his sleeping child. He continued holding my hand even when it wasn't extended. See, the thing about Jesus is he UNDERSTANDS! I am so very thankful that Oleg kept his faith as well. He stood by me when I told him to leave, and for that I'll be forever grateful. I don't think it's possible to ever fully recover from the loss of a child, let alone two. But by the Grace of God we're here!

I wish so often my grandma was still alive. Not only because I admired her and cherished our time together, but because she knows how I'm feeling. She lost a baby girl and went on to have 5 more healthy children, while staying happily married for 50+ years afterwards. There are many nights I wish I could call her just to hear her comforting words. I do smile when I think about my kids spending so much time with her <3

Another exciting adventure from 2015 is that we found out just before Abigail's birthday that we're expecting again. I wasn't sure how to feel; I had pretty much given up the hope of ever having kids. The news came at a perfect time, though, because I was going through a rough patch, heading in a direction I'm thankful I didn't go. I think we're excited, but also reserved. Part of me feels guilty for experiencing any excitement; another part of me finds it hard to get excited because I assume something is going to happen. The last 1/3 of me loves babies and wants nothing more than to be a mom. My love for Abigail was so deep and vast that I can't even imagine feeling that way about anyone else. I'm sure that's going to change the minute I meet him/her~

In other news, Oleg and I have both gotten new jobs (at the same place)! We love them. We're working for a great company, and my work is so laid back! I've never had an office job so I'm still adjusting, but it's pretty great. 
We continue to pick ourselves up a little more each day, and we're making progress. I'm incredibly thankful for the love we receive from family and friends. I'm interested to see where the rest of the year takes us, and I'm prepared for the ride!

Today, I pray for peace of mind and a calm heart~

I love you to the moon and back

Dearest Abigail~

I cannot believe I’m still here, standing strong, one year later. This day last year was a great one. It was beautiful out, and we were so productive! I remember bringing you into bed with me after Daddy left for work, but you didn’t want to sleep; you had other plans. I was okay with that, though, because you were so do darn cute! You were really happy that day <3 I was able to shower without you waking, and that was so refreshing. I got some chores done around the house, and didn’t mind when you finally awoke. We listened to music and danced together; it was so nice~

We were having people over for dinner that night, so I was trying my best to prepare for that. Daddy was a great help when he got home; he went to the store so you could nap in peace (and I could finish cleaning)! After Daddy and his friend, David returned, you accompanied me to the gym. You were so quiet and didn’t mind keeping me company <3 I just loved having you everywhere with me!

Dinner went well, and we had a lot of people over; the house was warm with love and laughter. You and Daddy went to bed around the same time, but I stayed up chatting with friends I hadn’t seen since before you were born! Your auntie got us a baby monitor with a camera, so I just glanced at you every few minutes without disturbing you. I finally went to bed a little after midnight, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

I don’t want to delve into your last moments on Earth again, because I’ve done that once before. Instead, I want to spend today celebrating you. I want to think about you and smile, not cry. I want to rejoice in your life, not grieve in your death. You were such a special little girl, and you changed my world completely. A day will never pass where I don’t think of you, or the night you left me for good. But I’ve tried to start remembering you with a positive note again.

Today, I will light a candle in your honor. I will take a moment of silence to remember you alive, before tomorrow comes. I know that I will struggle, but I’ve decided to spend the day with people who understand. Daddy and I will go visit Cassie and Preston, and spend time celebrating your life together.

I want you to know I love you deeper than I’ve ever loved anyone, and that will never change. I will never forget you, and will never completely heal from losing you. But just know that you made me a better person, and I loved living for you. I would give anything to have another day with you, but until we meet again, I will just rejoice in your memories. I love you so much baby~

 

Fly high, sweet Abigail <3

Happy birthday, love~

Joshua,

I can't believe it's been 2 whole years since we said both hello and goodbye to you. A lot has happened in the last two years, but I still wish every day you were here with me.

You changed our lives forever, and I'm thankful to have been your mommy (even if it was only for such a short time). I'm consoled by knowing you're in a wonderful place with amazing people, but I can't help but think you should be here!

Happy birthday little man! I miss you every single day. Thanks for taking care of your sister, too ❤

Love, mommy

Happy birthday, baby~

Abigail, 

 One year ago today I first laid my eyes on you; I had never seen anything so perfect! The day you were born changed my life forever. You're by far the strongest little girl I've ever known, and I am so proud of you. I am very thankful I was blessed with the opportunity to be your mommy, even though it wasn't for very long. 

   It's with a heavy heart that I'm celebrating your birthday by remembering you, rather than chasing you around the house, or smothering you in kisses. I know you're in a good place, and for that I guess I can't be too mad. But I wish every day that you were still here with me; how can I not?! Being your mom was the greatest gift I've ever received. 

   Having you changed my perspective on life, in all respects. I wouldn't trade the world for those 2 months I was blessed with your presence. I just wish I had had more time. But I'm trying to understand that God has his own plans. I read a quote the other day :
   
      "Mommy, why do all the best people die?"
      "When you're in a garden, which flower do you pick?"
      "The most beautiful one.."

this reminded me of you and Joshua so much! 

 
   Anyway, I hope you're having an awesome birthday party up there with Jesus, Joshua, and Gramz (:

I love you so so so so much baby girl! 
  
Happy birthday Abbs~

Love, Mommy.