I know I haven't blogged in over a month, but that's because I haven't known what to say. The last post was about a month after Abigail passed, and I was still in a daze. I was going through the motions of everyday life, without actually living; I felt very few emotions, especially positive ones.
Today, I am in still in a similar place. I feel lost and confused most of the time. Sometimes, I get mad. That usually evolves into feelings of despair and helplessness. I'm trying to pick up all of my broken pieces and mend them back together, because quite frankly, I don't like feeling this way anymore than people like seeing me like this. I'm pretty good at pretending I'm fine, and that's mostly because I hate having to explain myself to others.
I've spent a majority of my free time at Seattle Children's over the past couple months, and that has been both hurtful and healing. It's been wonderful getting to know Cassie and Preston in a way that almost no one will know them, and vice-versa. She's the only person in my life who can somewhat understand how I'm feeling. It's an amazing thing, having a friend like that. Our kiddos are what brought us together, but they're not all we have in common.
Every time I walk through those doors, I have a mini panic attack. I remember all the traumatic events we endured there; but most often, I remember getting to know my baby girl within those four walls. I wish I had known her more at home, but she spent 7/8 of her life at SCH. The hospital brings an odd sense of comfort because it was our home as a family.
Being in our apartment is hollowing for me. I can't stand to be home, especially alone. I start remembering having Abigail home, and then all the events that led up to her lifeless body being carried out by a fireman, with me close behind. My heart starts pounding and my eyes swell with tears. I don't know how to rid my mind of the traumatic memories. She brought so much joy and love to my life, yet all I seem to remember is the end of her short life.
I feel as if most people have moved on or at least moved forward, but not me. I know that grieving the loss of a child is a long process full of ups and downs; believe me, it's all of that. I guess I'm writing this because I want to share the pain and suffering a mother endures when she loses a child. It has completely turned my world upside down, and shaken every part of my being all over the ground.
It's hard for me to be around anyone except Oleg. I've become a total recluse and could care less about talking to or seeing friends and family. Many of my friends had babies around the same time as us, so of course they're proud parents and share tons of pictures and videos of their little cuties. I can barely stand to look at such things, and that totally breaks my heart. I love babies more than almost anything, and I can't smile at my friends' happiness because of my own heartache. I know I'm probably babbling, and I apologize.
I pray every day for comfort and healing. Today I pray harder for guidance and peace. I know that my babies are safe and happy in the arms of Jesus, and that is a huge relief. But having human emotions doesn't go away. The pain may become less strong, but from what I've been told, it never goes away. Thank you all who have supported and loved me through this, and I ask that you don't give up on me even though I haven't been the best friend, sister, daughter, etc.
