Yesterday marked 4 weeks since we lost our Abigail. Not a minute passes that I'm not thinking about her. I aspire to change the world in her honor, because I believe she was put on this earth to make a difference. I can't figure out where to start, though.
I'm struggling with many things, actually. It's hard for me to find happiness outside of superficial, temporary moments of joy. I don't really know who I am or who I want to be. I seem to have lost almost all motivation for anything; I stay in bed all day while Oleg works. I've shut the world out and secluded myself into a small bubble. I'm working on popping that bubble and trying to allow people in; especially Oleg. This is a confusing time, but we really need each other more than anyone or anything.
I start work again Monday and I have mixed feelings about that. I think it will be a good distraction, but at the same time I want a fresh start. I want to go somewhere new, where no one knows my story. I negatively anticipate the sad eyes, the sorrow. I feel enough in my heart, I don't need to see it in everyone's eyes. I know people just care, but it's hard to deal with their reactions or special treatment.
I guess I'm writing this because it's good to let your feelings out, but also because people stopped asking me how I am. I know we get busy and life goes on, so this is a quicker way for everyone to find out.
We met an amazing family at SCH, and I just want to acknowledge and pray for them. Preston is finally recovering after a number of traumas when he returned for his second open heart surgery. His momma, Cassie, is one of the strongest women I've ever met. They're just such a beautiful, strong family. Having a baby with Congenital Heart Disease is one of the scariest, most unpredictable things in life; and although he's recovering now, he has been through a lot. His recovery will be long and tough, but he is so incredibly strong! Okay, Cassie I'll stop bragging about your baby (;
Because of these babies, I've decided to become a nurse. I already signed up for school and financial aid, so now I just have to wait for registration. I think I might even be a cardiac nurse. The nurses we met in the CICU changed our lives, and we grew to love them like family.
When Abigail passed away, the ER staff asked if we wanted them to contact anyone; we said Kevin and Kelly. Luckily, Kevin was on duty that night and he rushed down to be with us. Although he was only Abigail's nurse a few times, he always asked how she was. Kelly was the same way. We spent quite a bit of time with her, and she really was/is family to us; she even attended the service.
Anyway, I think I've babbled enough for one day. I hope today is good one!
Today I pray for strength and peace~
