Hey y'all!
I know I haven't posted anything in awhile, but that's because I haven't had much to say. I've been in a weird place, and have preferred to remain fairly reclusive. So, for starters, I want to apologize to those of you I haven't been talking to or seeing much of. I know over the last 6 months, I've become a completely different person; I've ignored almost every relationship I have. And for that, I'm sorry.
I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like people just don't understand. Well, the truth is, they aren't going to understand! I grew selfish and resentful, thinking there was no point in maintaining relationships with people who couldn't even fathom what I've been through.
Then it hit me one day, not too long ago: although those people (all of you) have no idea what I have experienced, you all care for me and want to be there for us. I still find it difficult to associate with people, and engage in normal conversation, but I'm trying. I realized that bottling everything up and pretending I'm okay has gotten me nowhere. I also concluded that I need to interact with other people to get my mind off of me.
I think about Abigail and Joshua every second of every day, and I don't think that will ever change; nor do I want it to. So I need to talk about them, with people other than myself. I need to know that others remember them, and that they still care. It's far more comforting that pretending she never existed.
On a happier note, we finally moved into our new place! It's so amazing and wonderful; God has been so good to us. Sometimes I take our lives for granted, surprisingly enough. I forget how truly blessed we are with our health, our jobs, each other, etc.
Speaking of health, I decided I'm okay with my body. I know it's not perfect, and I've struggled with loving it for a very long time, but I'm getting past that. I've spent way too much time hating my body to even realize what it's done for me: it carried and delivered 2 beautiful babies in under a year; it survived when I felt that I couldn't after losing those babies just over a year apart; it treated me well when I took my health for granted; and it continues to keep me going when I can barely get out of bed some days. My body is amazing. I'm working on eating better and working out, but for now, I'm loving myself.
It's been almost 7 months since we lost Abigail, and our lives are finally coming together. Surviving the loss of a child is excruciating, but we're doing it. Slowly, and with the help of God. I'm happy to say we're okay, and some day I hope to be good. For now, I pray for peace of mind and serenity within my heart.
~peace.love.mak~
