Here comes the sun

Oh sweet Finn Finn,

Happy happy birthday to you! I can't believe you've already been with us an entire year. You're such a light in my often dark life.

When you were first born, it was quite an adjustment for us all. Harry was confused and jealous, and I often felt like I couldn't balance my time and affection between you both.

But as the months passed, we found our groove. Days got easier, and things became normal again.

You've been the happiest little babe I've ever known and I am SO THANKFUL for that. I love watching you master new skills, but more than anything, I love seeing your relationship with Harry blossom. I was worried that he would never truly adjust or be comfortable with having a baby brother. But you guys have recently proved me wrong. You love playing together, and hearing your laughter ring through our house makes my heart happy.

There's so much I could say, but I'll save that for another time (;
Happy birthday, Finn. I love you so so much. Thank you for being you, and I hope you never lose your enthusiasm❤

My heart never stops beating for you

Oh Abbs,

How can it be 4 years since I lost you? I think about you every day and the memories of your life -and death- are forever engrained in my mind. There are nights (like tonight) where I lie awake unable to sleep, just thinking about you.

I think about your short time on earth. About how beautiful and strong you were. About the connection we had that was so deep no words can describe it.
I think about who you would be and what our lives would look like.
I imagine you in the role as big sister and just smile from ear to ear. Harry loves looking at your pictures; he sees any baby in a picture and assumes it's you.

I like to think you're with me in spirit. When I'm having a hard time, I wonder if you're watching. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and I'm so very thankful I was yours. You shaped my outlook on motherhood and losing you changed my perspective on life.

I hate today, 3/28. But I love that I was able to know you, if only for a short time.

I miss you every day and just pray you're watching over us.

I love you baby girl.

Love, mama

Bittersweet

Dearest Abigail,

Happy birthday beautiful girl.

 

 

 

Today you would be three.  I can’t imagine you at three years old; I can’t even imagine what you would’ve been like at three months old. I wish every single day that I had the chance to know you longer than eight weeks.

 

Having your brother is such a blessing, and I love every minute of being his mommy. It also makes me miss you more with each passing day. When he says “mama” or climbs onto my lap, I wonder what that would’ve felt like coming from you.
What would your voice sound like? Would your eyes still hold the weight of 1,000 words?

Would you be ever so kind and gentle?

I will never know.

I will never know the feel of lacing my fingers through yours, or hearing you mimic your favorite animal. I’ll never know what kind of desserts you like or what hand you’d write with.

I’ll never know any of these things, and my heart is so heavy because of this.

Every morning, I think about you. About how much I miss and love you. But mostly about who you would’ve been.

Some say time heals all wounds, but I don’t think that’s true. My heart aches just as much now as it did a year ago.

I’m finally confronting my grief, since I tried to suffocate it before. But I’ve learned you can’t do that; you must look it in the eye and take it at face value.

I’ve learned that no one truly understands, and that’s okay. I have also learned that many people have already moved on, but your memory will forever be alive in my heart.

I miss you more than words can express.

Harry and I will have a cupcake in your honor today.
Happy birthday, my love.

 

♪♫ It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet ♫♪

Life's a dance~

Today is Harrison's first birthday--what?! How can that be??

I cannot believe he has been earthside for a whole year now!

 

This has certainly be a wild year, but I wouldn't trade a single day.

Having a 1 year old may not seem like a big deal to some, but it's a huge deal to me. This is the longest I've had the privilege of being a mom and watching my little baby grow into a person.
 

Harry has taught me so much about life, but he's also taught me a lot about myself.

When I first had him, I doubted myself a lot. I thought that there was no way I was cut out to be a mom, and maybe there's a reason my first two babies were taken from me. As cynical as that sounds, it's how I thought. But after awhile, I realized that wasn't true. Being a mom is most certainly a job I'm qualified for. I may not always know what I'm doing, but I love my little boy with my whole heart and I would do anything for him.
 

Having him has also taught me that I can't do everything on my own; I've learned to ask for help. We have had a tough year, and I am so very thankful for all of our family and friends that have helped support us. Being home with Harry was totally worth it all!
 

I have become far more sensitive and empathetic since having him and I love that! I didn't know my heart could hold so much love, but it constantly feels like it might explode. 

I am so in love with my little man and I feel like he was always meant to be mine and me his. I love everything about him. How he smiles when he sees me, how he fits perfectly in my arms. How sometimes all he wants is a snuggle.

He's starting to talk and copy everything we do, which is absolutely adorable! I know this might sound like a giant run-on sentence, so I apologize. 

I am so proud to be his mommy, and I just wanted to say happy birthday to my sweet sweet baby!!

 

There is no greater love

Joshua,

Happy birthday sweet boy! I cannot believe it's already been 3 years since we said good-bye. On the same token, so much has happened in the last 3 years, it feels like that was a lifetime ago.

I can tell your story without batting an eye or shedding a tear now. Some would say that's from growing stronger or moving forward, but honestly I allowed myself to become numb to the pain of your loss. For that I am sorry.

When I stop to actually remember what it was like to lose you, my heart aches. You were my firstborn, my first son! Now that I have your brother, I miss you even more. I wonder if you'd be helping him learn to crawl, showing him how to kick a ball, etc. I bet you'd be an awesome big brother (:

I look forward to the day I get to smother you in all my hugs and kisses. I miss you every day baby boy ~ Thank you for taking care of your sister for us.

Happy birthday, little man!

I love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,
Mommy

Good morning, beautiful~

Dearest Abigail,

Two years ago you joined us earthside, and it was amazing! I'd waited so long to meet you, and there you finally were.

I cannot believe it's been two years! I try to imagine what you would be like, but I just can't. I know for certain you would be an amazing big sister <3

I see other heart kids your age, and watch their struggle. As grateful as I am that you're in no pain, I would much rather be fighting alongside you than be missing you every day!

I know that you and Joshua are with us every day, because not a day passes that I don't think of you.

I show Harry your poster and he LOVES it. We could stand smiling at your pictures for hours. I hope that you're having an awesome birthday up there baby girl.

I miss you always<3
I love you to the moon an back.

Happy birthday, beautiful girl.

Love,
Mommy

Days like this

I cannot believe my big boy is almost 2 months old, yet some days I find myself saying "it hasn't even been 2 months yet?!"
It feels like he's been with us forever <3

Watching him grow and learn is like a miracle unfolding before my eyes.
He truly is our rainbow after a long, hard storm and I am SO thankful for him!

With each passing day, I miss my babies more and more. Oh how I wish they could both be here. Our house would be full and our family complete <3 Harrison is one of the best things to ever happen to me, but there will always be a huge void in my heart for the babies I don't get to see grow up.

Seeing his personality unfold makes me wonder what Joshua would've been like. Would he be sweet but spunky like Abigail, or just a big cuddly sweetheart like Harrison?

Looking into his eyes, which are more and more like Abigail's every day, makes me wish I could hold her just one more time. I see pictures of friends/family who had babies around the same time as us, and I imagine our kiddos that big. It's hard.

Anyone who has never experienced the loss of a child can't even fathom the magnitude of pain and grief we parents feel. But I'm grateful for friends and family who have stuck by my side even when they don't understand. <3

Today I am grateful for my sweet little guy sleeping in my arms, and pray for peace within my heart.