Bittersweet

Dearest Abigail,

Happy birthday beautiful girl.

 

 

 

Today you would be three.  I can’t imagine you at three years old; I can’t even imagine what you would’ve been like at three months old. I wish every single day that I had the chance to know you longer than eight weeks.

 

Having your brother is such a blessing, and I love every minute of being his mommy. It also makes me miss you more with each passing day. When he says “mama” or climbs onto my lap, I wonder what that would’ve felt like coming from you.
What would your voice sound like? Would your eyes still hold the weight of 1,000 words?

Would you be ever so kind and gentle?

I will never know.

I will never know the feel of lacing my fingers through yours, or hearing you mimic your favorite animal. I’ll never know what kind of desserts you like or what hand you’d write with.

I’ll never know any of these things, and my heart is so heavy because of this.

Every morning, I think about you. About how much I miss and love you. But mostly about who you would’ve been.

Some say time heals all wounds, but I don’t think that’s true. My heart aches just as much now as it did a year ago.

I’m finally confronting my grief, since I tried to suffocate it before. But I’ve learned you can’t do that; you must look it in the eye and take it at face value.

I’ve learned that no one truly understands, and that’s okay. I have also learned that many people have already moved on, but your memory will forever be alive in my heart.

I miss you more than words can express.

Harry and I will have a cupcake in your honor today.
Happy birthday, my love.

 

♪♫ It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet ♫♪